I have been told before, by friends of mine, that i appear to “have it all together.” That i have life figured out, that i know what to do, what to say, what to change and what not to change. So i decided i wanted to write a little something with some of my flaws, because i never want to be perceived as “having it all together” because i don’t and i never will. I will always be learning. And thats what my blogs, my poetry and my writing is about! Its not about ME telling YOU what to do and how to act, its about ME telling YOU what I’M LEARNING and what i’m trying to grow in. I tell people how i wear my heart on my sleeve and i’m an open book.. and i think thats true. If you ask me a question, i will answer with honesty, but i’m not perfect and never will be, so without you having to ask, i want to share some things that make it clear i dont have life figured out, cause i dont want anyone to ever think that or think that i think that of myself.
First of all, who am i to think that anyone even wants to read a huge thing about my flaws? Theres flaw number one. Haha.
One of my MANY flaws, is that when i have been told that i “have it all together” it made me happy. Initially, it made me think to myself, “Wow, thats so great that people think that of me!” Then i have to check myself. I have to ignore my flesh and listen to my spirit which says to be humble.
Most of my first instincts are flawed, because it’s my flesh. I have to fight my flesh on a day to day basis. It doesn’t come naturally, i have to make a consistent effort to tell myself “No, that’s not right. What does Jesus say about this?” Its hard, but just because it takes time and effort, i will not stop fighting my flesh.
I tend to think i do an okay job at being humble, which of course means, that i’m not humble. If i think i have humility, then i am full of pride… and i realize that. Humility is something i will continue to pray for, but only through the grace of God could that ever be accomplished.
I have to stop myself from telling people about “good things” that i’ve done. Sometimes i want to tell people because i’m excited about what i did and my motives are simply to share a positive and uplifting story. But sometimes i want to tell people because i want them to praise me and telling me that i’ve done good. I realize that’s wrong, and thats an example of my first instinct, my flesh that i fight. I have to tell myself "No! I didnt do that for praise, i did that because it was the right thing to do. I did it to give God the glory and not to feel glorified myself.” I’m working on that.
I am a sarcastic person. I enjoy making people laugh and i think a lot of the ways i make people laugh is through my sarcastic humor, but i have to be careful to not be hurtful. I’m one of those people who can dish it out but cant take it. When others are sarcastic towards me, it often hurts my feelings, and yet i am sarcastic on a daily basis. I think there is a way i can be sarcastic without being rude or hurtful, but i have to figure out how. I never use my sarcasm to actually hurt people on purpose, i would never want that. I try to be aware of the things that i say and the reactions people have from them so i know if what i did was hurtful, but whether i am trying to be hurtful or not, sarcasm can be dangerous, and i need to find a better way to use that humor.
I get frustrated with people. Immaturity really upsets me in ways i can’t explain. But who i am to say whether someone is mature or not? People who don’t think before they speak, upset me. But that is one of my flaws myself, speaking before thinking, so i am trying to learn to think before i speak. People who are always negative and rude upset me, but i have to learn to be kind through the frustration. Its not easy, but its worth it… and i’m trying.
I love kindness, but it is easier for me to be kind to strangers and people i barely know, than to be kind to my family and my close friends. I honestly don’t know why that is, i wish i knew so i could fix it. I’m trying to work on being kinder to my family, but for some reason it just doesnt come naturally. Not that i am ever mean to my family, i just think i give them a harder time than i may give my friends and people i dont know, but i dont think i’m especially rude or mean to them. But i’m also not as kind as i could be, i’m not as kind to them as i am kind to people i dont know and i would like to fix that. I would like to be consistent.
Writing this required a lot of vulnerablity from me, which is also something i could work on. I would like to be more vulnerable with the people in my life on a day to day basis, i think vulnerablity not only makes us more open but it also can make us more sensetive to others, and thats a beautiful thing!
This clearly was just a tiny portion of a long list of flaws and imperfections i have. But they are some of the ones i wanted to share, some of the things that i think people should know about me. :)